FAQ

PLEASE NOTE: These questions and answers are provided in a manner-of-fact manner. Please contact us if you feel this format may be disturbing.

The practice of embalming has existed since early history throughout many lands and cultures. In the United States, the vast majority of bodies are embalmed, yet few people understand how and why we embalm our dead.

Purpose of Embalming

Embalming disinfects, temporarily preserves and restores, to an acceptable physical appearance, a dead human body. As human remains begin to decompose almost immediately after death, thereby offering an ideal environment for microbial growth, untreated remains pose a public health concern. While embalming sanitizes the body, it also retards decomposition, thereby temporarily preserving the body. In view of America’s highly mobile society, embalming permits friends and family to travel great distances, often several days after a death, to attend the funeral ceremony and allows the body to be buried at some place other than where death occurred. Additionally, embalming restores the body to an acceptable physical appearance for viewing following a traumatic death or devastating illness. Many bereavement experts agree that viewing the deceased confirms the reality of death and helps survivors take an important step toward recovering from their loss. Certain religious beliefs may prohibit embalming or place restrictions on its practice. Consult your clergyperson or funeral director if you have questions or concerns about embalming and your religious beliefs.

The Embalming Process

The embalming process begins with the thorough washing and disinfection of the body. The mouth, nose and other openings are sanitized and closed to prevent excretions which could be a source of disease or infection. Embalming chemicals are then injected into the body through one or more accessible arteries, while body fluids are drained through corresponding veins. Embalming chemicals kill bacteria and temporarily preserve the body by altering the physical structure of the body’s proteins. A latticework of inert, firm protein is created that can no longer serve as a host for bacteria or be acted upon by enzymes. Thus the decomposition process is retarded and the body is sanitized and temporarily preserved.

Legal Matters

Embalming is not routinely required by law, but may be necessary if death is due to certain diseases; if final disposition is not made within a prescribed period of time; if refrigeration or immediate burial is not available; or if a body is to be transported between states or internationally in a common carrier. Some states require embalming for transportation within the state, beyond the place where death occurred. Funeral directors may require embalming if the funeral ceremony selected by a family includes viewing and are generally required to ask permission of the deceased’s next-of-kin verbally or in writing before embalming. Ask your funeral director to explain any specific laws, policies or circumstances that will influence your decisions regarding embalming.

CHILDREN AND DEATH

(from the National Funeral Directors Association)

Telling a Child About Death

When a death occurs, someone close to the child like a parent or grandparent should explain as soon as possible that a death has occurred. News of a death travels quickly, and parents who delay telling the children run the risk that they’ll hear about it from friends. By trying to avoid hurting children, you could expose them to a bigger shock later. Once you’ve told your child that someone has died, you need to explain what will happen next. Talk about the wake or visitation if there will be one, about the funeral ceremony and about burial. Your child will likely have many questions. What a child will want to know depends on his or her age and any previous experience with death. Generally, preschoolers don’t understand that death is final; they many ask, “When is Grandma coming back?” After all, cartoon characters on TV are killed every week, only to return again. Children at play say, “Bang, you’re dead,” knowing that the “dead” person can get up and walk away any time. Between ages five and ten, children come to understand that death is final—but they may believe only old people and accident victims die. If a relatively young person dies, children in this age group may demand to know why. Past the age of ten, children begin to understand that death is part of the natural order of things, and that people die at all ages for a number of reasons. It’s also important to answer all questions as simply and honestly as possible. Don’t say, “Grandpa went to sleep forever.” The children may be terrified of falling asleep and never waking. Don’t say, “God loved your daddy so much, He called him back to heaven.” Your child may be angry at God or fear being taken. If a child asks, “Why did Uncle John have a heart attack?” and you don’t know, just say so. Children should also be reassured that, although a parent has died, the other parent will still be here; that the child will still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and go to the same school. However, children have some naive ideas about death that you should address without being asked. Children often conclude that they somehow caused the death. They may think, “I was bad, so Mommy left,” or “I wished my sister would die, and she did.” Tell your child it’s not his or her fault that someone died. If a loved one—especially a brother or sister—died of a disease, reassure the child that he or she is healthy and won’t die of the same disease.

A Child’s Reactions to Death

Children are people, and in many ways they react to death like the rest of us. They may feel shock or deny at first that death has occurred. They may become angry and blame others for the death, or become angry at the person who died for leaving. They may feel guilty for not being “good” to the person who died, and they may become depressed. Children can also react to death in surprising and erratic ways. They may greet the news of a loved one’s death with nothing more than a shrug, then express their grief in subtle ways later. They may regress and begin sucking their thumbs, wetting the bed, or otherwise acting like infants. They may become hostile with playmates, or they may express their grief and anger by treating their toys violently. They may imagine or pretend that they are dying. They may exhibit curiosity about the hearse, casket, vault and grave. This is just normal curiosity. In short, there is no “normal” or correct way for children to grieve.

Helping a Child Cope with Death

Like adults, children need to grieve, to accept that death has occurred and get on with their lives. Your child will take cues from you, so don’t be afraid to express your own grief. Cry and let your child cry with you. Don’t tell your child to “be brave, don’t cry.” This is a sad situation, and the child needs to express his or her sadness. Talk to your child, and encourage him or her to talk as well. Show the child that it’s okay by talking about the deceased. Even if your child is too young to talk about the death, you can still share your emotions. Hugging and touching will comfort young children who can sense anguish in the family, even if they don’t understand what has happened. Children surrounded by sadness need to be assured that they are loved. It’s a good idea to take your child to the funeral, but don’t force him or her to go. A funeral serves a number of psychological purposes for children as well as adults. Children, like adults, need to share their grief. The funeral provides a focus for grief, allowing people to come together and express their feelings. Funerals give meaning to the experience of death and can be an important lesson for children. Children should receive a careful explanation of the funeral before they decide whether or not to attend. If the decision is to attend, then the parent must provide an even more descriptive explanation of what will happen at the funeral. If you try to protect your child by keeping him or her away from the funeral, you will likely make the child feel shut out or rejected. Children need to understand on an emotional level that death has occurred. A funeral is an important step in confirming that death has occurred, and people who don’t attend the funeral of a loved one sometimes suffer from unresolved grief later. Remember, your child’s relationship to the deceased hasn’t ended—only changed. After the funeral, keep pictures and other reminders of the deceased around to spark conversations with your child. This will help form a new set of emotional bonds with the person who died. It’s very difficult to say when a child needs counseling to overcome unresolved grief. The grief process is not a series of neat, separate stages; it is more like an emotional rollercoaster ride. Feelings of depression or anger or sadness can come roaring back months after the death. However, if a child seems beset by prolonged anger, denial, sickness or listlessness, it is a good idea to seek counseling. Ask your pediatrician or clergyperson to suggest a child counselor who has experience with grief therapy. Your funeral director can also help guide you to qualified counselors.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP?

(from the National Funeral Directors Association)

Death is difficult to accept. When a loved one dies, we feel angry, confused or emotionally numb. We experience grief, which though painful, is a necessary part of the transition and healing process that allows us to separate ourselves from the deceased.

The funeral ritual helps survivors to begin healing by focusing their emotions and bringing meaning to the experience of death. A funeral gives mourners “permission” to express feelings of sadness and loss.

The funeral ritual has existed since the beginning of civilization, resulting in varying funeral customs worldwide. When someone dies, the family, the family’s clergyperson and funeral director and other mourners all have roles they are expected to fulfill.

The Family’s Role

After a death, the family’s first responsibility is to make phone calls. They need to immediately notify their doctor, if he or she isn’t already present, perhaps the medical examiner, and their funeral director. They may also want to call their clergyperson right away.

After the professional calls are made, the family must make sure friends and relatives are told of the death, although they need not make all the calls themselves. The people in the inner circle of the family—parents, grandparents, children and siblings of the deceased—should be notified personally. It isn’t practical for the family to call everyone. News of a death travels quickly, and friends or distant relatives will probably be told of the death before the immediate family can reach them.

After the calls are made, the family consults with the funeral director and clergy—person to plan the funeral, choose pallbearers and send out funeral notifications. These responsibilities serve an important purpose because they help confirm the reality of death.

The Role of a Funeral Director

From the hour of death until the deceased’s final disposition, the funeral director helps families through a difficult time. The funeral director serves as an adviser, an administrator, a supporter and a caregiver.

When the funeral director is called, one of his or her first responsibilities is to bring the deceased person’s body to the funeral home. The funeral director also secures information for the deceased person’s death certificate, which is then completed and filed with the proper legal authorities.

The funeral director meets with the family to discuss arrangements for a visitation, if the family requests one, and a funeral. In accordance with law, custom and especially the family’s wishes, the funeral director helps them choose the place, time and type of service, and any other funeral arrangements. The funeral director provides convenient access to a choice of casket or other burial container, a memorial stone or appropriate marker, and alternatives of final disposition—usually burial, cremation or entombment. He or she also offers other considerations from which the family may select, and explains these so that the family may select appropriately.

On the day of the funeral, the funeral director attends to a number of ceremonial and administrative details as well as to logistical matters such as transportation. Both before and after the service, the funeral director helps the family complete necessary paperwork, including obituary notices and claim forms for social security, veteran’s and union benefits and insurance. Because the emotional impact of death often makes it difficult to concentrate on the details of legal forms, the funeral director’s help in this area is especially appreciated by grieving families.

The funeral director can also answer questions about coping with death, recognize when a person is having difficulty accepting the loss of a loved one and recommend sources of professional counseling for those who need it.

The Clergyperson’s Role

The clergyperson also is responsible for the ritualistic dimension of the funeral. This varies a great deal from church to church as some churches have more prescribed funeral ceremonies than others. Clergy often work from denomination books of worship or may write more personalized services. In that case, the family is often asked if there are favorite hymns or scripture passages they want included.

If the family does not belong to a church but wants a religious funeral, the funeral director will recommend a pastor. The funeral director usually will get a clergyperson who best fits their needs. In this case, the clergyperson may not be notified until the actual funeral is being planned.

In either case, the clergyperson should be asked when his or her schedule would permit the funeral to be held. They should not be told the funeral is going to be held at a particular time and asked if he or she can officiate.

The Friends’ Role

Funerals bring families and friends together for mutual support. Your grieving friends may not have a chance to tell you, but your presence could mean more to them than you will ever realize.

Show them you care about them with a hug, a firm handshake or a gentle pat on the shoulder. Just say “I’m sorry,” don’t try to come up with profound statements about life and death. Don’t say, “I know how you feel,” because you don’t. The grief each person feels depends on the relationship he or she had with the deceased, and no two relationships are exactly alike.

If your friends are suffering through the death of a baby, don’t try to comfort them by telling them it may have been for the best and don’t say things like, “You can always have another baby.” They are feeling sad because they’ve lost this baby, and one child cannot replace another.

It is very important for your friend to talk about the death so he or she can accept it. Remember, your friend may show a variety of reactions to death—anger, guilt or depression. In any case, it is important to express emotions; this is one step in resolving grief. You as a friend can help the most by listening, not by changing the subject.

You can help in many ways. Grieving is hard work, and it can last a long time. Your friend is still under a great deal of pressure, and you can lighten the load by offering to do laundry, cook dinner or even baby-sit.

If your friend recently became a widow or widower, he or she may feel isolated. You can help by calling with an invitation to dinner or to some social functions. If your friend refuses this time, wait a few weeks and try again. Don’t wait for him or her to call you; your friend may feel too awkward to reach out to anyone.

Remember that the death of someone close can change a person. Your friend’s life has been torn apart, and putting it back together may mean finding a new role in life or a new way of looking at himself or herself. This can change the relationship you have with your friend. But what is most important is that the friendship remains.

ETIQUETTE

One of the reasons why people are so uncomfortable at a wake or funeral is because they’re not sure about what to do or say. Fear of making a mistake often caused people to avoid the situation altogether. Here is some advice that can help you support a grieving friend or family member. When hearing the news

Be a good listener. Let friends and family talk about their loved one and their death. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them.
Focus on the survivor’s needs.
Refer to the deceased by name.
Encourage the family to plan a wake, funeral and burial (even if cremated), if you are in an appropriate position to do so.
Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to a charity or an appropriate research organization.
Acknowledge the deceased’s life.
Ask to help make arrangements.

During the services

Include children of all ages in the activities. Let them ask questions. Answer honestly.
For many people, wearing black has been a symbol of grieving and sympathy. Although people are less sensitive about dress today, one still shows respect for the family to attend a funeral dressed in subdued colors and clothing that is less casual.
Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy.
Recognize children, like adults, may respond to grief with humor, behavioral issues and sleep problems. Be patient and tolerant.

After the services

Keep in touch with the bereaved. Be there for them when they are ready.
Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.
Offer to clean, cook or do other chores.
If appropriate, find out about support groups for bereaved parents and have the leader call the grieving parent to talk.
Send cards frequently — even six months after the death.
Praise the bereaved for even small accomplishments.

Don’ts

Don’t take control of the situation. The grieving family need control to help them work through grief.
Don’t bring up other people’s experiences. Let the bereaved focus on their loss.
Don’t pressure the family to clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.
Don’t expect things to be “back to normal” in a certain timeframe

What to say Use your own words to convey messages like these:

“I/We are thinking of you.
I/we wish there were words to comfort you.”
“I/We are shocked and saddened by your loss.
We care and love you deeply.”
“He/She was such a fine person.”
“What you’re going through must be very difficult.”
“It’s too bad he/she died. I will always remember him/her.”

Don’t say

“It’s probably a blessing.”
“I know just how you feel.”
“You have to be strong now for your family (or business).”
“Stay busy to take your mind off things.”
“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
“At least he/she is no longer suffering.”

For information about what to expect when attending the funeral services of a different religion or culture please visit the Funeralwise web site.

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